Pitch in the Dirt.

I’ve grown up from fantasy sports.  (Well, I’m still playing fantasy but I’m more mature.  Stick with me).  I have entered the gateway drug to sportsbetting: a cash NFL pick ‘em league.  Leading the pack by one point heading into the third Monday Night Football game with 5 others tied for second-place kept me stressed all day.  It took a lot for me to not gather polls from work and class to gauge a consensus on what I should do, “What’s the best way to come out a winner this week?”  Answer:  the best way to limit the damage?  “Get the right pick” (yep, that helped a whole lot).  Should I pick underdog Carolina at +9?  Or is that what the rest of the guys are going to do?  Well, it’s at Cowboy Stadium…and the Cowboys got beaten in their opener against the Giants so they definitely need to be out for blood, right?  But Carolina can’t open the season at 0-3.  Or, is that what the rest of the guys are going to do?  “Dallas, be good to me.  Please!”  If I were Catholic, I’d have crossed myself then-and-there.

Hank Williams Jr. asks if we’re ready for football (YES!  For 5 years, yes!).  John Gruden claims how much Jake Delhomme shows true grit.  And how Tony Romo is a great teammate (Gruden was clearly campaigning to Jerry Jones and the owner of the Panthers – sorry, who owns the Panthers? – to be offered the head-coaching position after Wade Phillips or the coach of the Panthers – umm…who’s the head coach for the Panthers? – lost this game).  After the volley of punts were building a scoreless halftime, the two-team shutout was broken up by a gut-wrenching Jake Delhomme TD with a minute left in the 1st half and I started coming up with my runner-up speech.  You know, the thing that you say to the guys at work when the topic comes up as to why you were dumb enough to pick Dallas at minus-9 over Carolina.  Half-time was spent texting my Cowboy-fan friends (three of which were at the game) and begging them to run the field and tackle Jake Delhomme.  And reviewing the tie-breaker rules.  Surely, there’s some hope!

I was under a ridiculous amount of stress.  For a Cowboy/Panthers game.  I haven’t cared for anything as meaningless than FOX News caring about Miley Cyrus using a stripper pole as a prop during the Teen Choice Awards.  Yet, there I was in the fourth quarter and hoping for a miracle because the Cowboys were only leading by 6 points with less than 6 minutes left to play (come on, 6 points is not greater than 9 points.  Get the picture, yet?  Why, oh why did I think they’d go over the spread?).  To top it off, Wade Phillips thought it was a great idea to try and score inside the 10-yard line with two passes and a run for no-gain.  They all failed and my heart sank; it was already over.

And it happened.  No, not the miracle – Jake Delhomme.  Delhomme gave up his sixth interception in 3 games; 11 in 4 games going back to last year’s playoff game (at this rate, Jake is on pace for 2.75 interceptions per game).  He’s become such a staple of bad things happening in life (sorry, Carolina fans), when I see someone trip and fall, I immediately think, ‘That guy’s just been Delhommed!’  Spilled milk?  Don’t cry.  You’ve just been Delhommed!  Run into a parked car?  You AND that guy’s car has just been Delhommed!  I saw the play develop before it happened.  Less than 5 minutes to go in the game and Carolina has to march down the field to score.  Of course they’re going to go have to try and reach the endzone – a field goal is only worth 3 points, for those scoring at home (these were the thoughts going through my head at the time.  Carolina will have to try and get a TD and that means Jake will have to throw the ball. When that happens there’s ALWAYS the opportunity for a turnover!).

September 28 is history: Terence Newman steps in front of a botched Steve Smith in-route and strolls into the endzone (after a two-point conversion, the score is 21-7.  “Yes!”  14 points > 9 points).  Pan to camera 5:  Albie’s Living Room, and focus on the idiot standing on his couch, phone-in-hand texting ‘Yessssss!!!’ to everyone he knew.  Game ends, Carolina doesn’t score.  14 is greater than 9.  Fourteen is greater than nine.  The Cowboys covered the spread on a pick-six from Terence Newman in the final 5 minutes of the fourth quarter.  That’s what it came down to.  And that’s when I realized that I should never gamble on sports.  The fate of the day-after experience relied on an interception returned for a touchdown.  With less than five minutes in the game to go.   They had to have a pick-six.  There’s no other way.  A fumble not recovered in the end-zone meant Romo would just kneel and run the clock.  Or kick a field goal.  (9 points = 9 points.  I wouldn’t get points for that since 9 is not greater than 9 – still with me?).

Afterwards, I received my congratulations from co-workers and proceeded the consolation process of stating how worried I really was.  So aside from the fact that I don’t have the money for REAL sportsbetting ($2 per week is nothing compared to thousands) and how unhealthy it was for me until that clock reached 00:00, I can never gamble on sports.